Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Two Years Ago Today


Two years ago today I received a phone call that told me that I would never get to see you again. Two years ago today you were out having fun with friends doing your favorite thing in the world, snowmobiling, when you had a heart attack, that would take you away. Isn't that how we all want to go? Doing our most favorite thing? But does that make it any easier for those left behind?

Two years ago and four days was the last time we talked. I never really got to say good bye except for the good byes we shared over the phone. Is that satisfying? I don't think so. I remember that conversation vividly and everything we talked about. I play it over and over again hoping against hope that I said "I love you, daddy" as we hung up the phone. But not having closure and getting to say a true goodbye, that's a real regret in a life not full of many.

Even though I don't live in the same state you lived in anymore, having moved away much to your chagrin, to spread my wings, I haven't been able to go back since the funeral. Yet, I smell you in the wind. I question when I smell it and apparently no one else can. People look at me like I am crazy. I smell you in my car, when I am near your parents, or sometimes when I am just feeling lonely. You don't come to me in my dreams often but you come to me in my waking hours. Thank you for that.

Two years and four months later, you are supposed to be walking me down the aisle. That's a dad's job. And you were a great dad. But you won't be there; you can't be there. In all of the wedding planning, that's been one of the hardest things to deal with. Your absence. The obvious hole where you should be. It's going to be a happy day and I hope I can sense you in the wind when I am thinking of you on that day too.

I love you Dad.

21 comments:

  1. Thinking of you today -- and what a beautiful post for your dad. It sounds trite, but I know he will be there on your wedding day -- standing at your side and holding you close. The people we love never leave us. xo

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    1. Thank you and that's what I believe too.

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  2. What a loving post about your dad. Sending you a hug. Like Meg said, he'll be with you on your wedding day.

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    1. Thank you. It helps to write these things out sometimes.

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  3. What a lovely memorial to your dad.

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  4. A beautiful tribute to your dad! I'm sure he would be very, very proud of you. Keeping you and your loved ones in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

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  5. I couldn't agree more with Meg. My father passed away 12 years ago, just a few days after he saw The Girl's (his first grandchild) first ultrasound picture and about 8 months before our wedding. I still think about him every day, and I missed him on my wedding day especially, but I know he was there with me and my mom when she walked me down the aisle. ((HUGS))

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    1. That's really good to know. It's always nice to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your story Anna!

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  6. I am thinking of you, hon! I know it's hard and it tough to be preparing for this wedding when all you can think about is that he won't be there to walk you down that aisle, but he'll always be there in other ways. You will feel his presence that day and it will be the wonderful, joy filled day that you envisioned. Hugs.

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    1. I know you are right and I appreciate your kind words!!

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  7. i have you in my thoughts today! this was such a lovely and heartwarming post about your father. even though he won't be there physically, i'm sure you'll still be able to feel his presence on your wedding day.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words :)

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  8. Tearing up for you as you honor your dad:(

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  9. My Dad died when I was 8. Dropped on the living room floor of a massive heart attack in front of his family. Gone. The pain never goes away. Its worse on your wedding day. My one wish all my life, was for him to be here and walk me down the aisle. All the events you survive without him, are a tribute to the strength he gave you. I am sure he would be very proud of you. I am sorry he is not here.

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    1. Oh Lexie I am so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story as well.

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  10. This is such a sweet post about your dad.
    Im sure that he will be with you on your wedding day.

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  11. What a lovely post. And he will be there with you, as others have said.

    My own father died of cancer about three years before I got married, and my brother walked me down the aisle, which was sweet of him, but it's just not the same as having dad do it.

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